By Gini Rainey
When my mother passed away on July 4th, 1977, I hadn’t been exposed to very many funerals here in the South, and I really don’t remember that I had attended that many before we moved to Texas, so I wasn’t sure what type of etiquette was called for. I do know that we were inundated with food the day that she died, the bulk of which was bowl after bowl after bowl of butter beans. If I’m not mistaken, we were presented with at least five bowls worth – big bowls – maybe you could even say very large bowls. I know it was partly the lack of sleep and the grief process, but my sister and I started taking bets on what type of food was being delivered when the doorbell rang. Of course, as the day progressed we knew for sure the next dish of funeral food would be butter beans and most of the time we were correct. To make matters worse, we all left the next day to fly to Minnesota for mom’s burial, leaving a refrigerator literally packed full of butter beans. When we returned 5 days later, you can rest assured that our disposal got quite a workout.
So today I would like to share with you THE definitive book about funerals. I wish I had read this book prior to 1977! Apparently butter beans, along with tomato aspic, are two of the primary foods necessary for a Delta funeral. After reading this book, I’m pretty sure some of us have been doing it all wrong, and “Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral,” written by Gayden Metcalfe and Charlotte Hays, can help us overcome that hurdle so we can all become the perfect food-providers when the time comes. Printed by Miramax Books in 2005, this book is just one of the many guides that Metcalfe and Hays have written to help everyone (or at least those who really care) put on their best Delta (Mississippi) Etiquette to safely (and correctly) be part of just about any 
social situation imaginable from weddings and baby showers, all the way to funerals.
Although most of their wisdom is gleaned from their tri-state region of LA-ARK-Miss, I would imagine you could manage anywhere if you use their book for your own funeral food etiquette. They also, so very charmingly, have included lots of recipes that are interspersed throughout their tongue-in-check chapters that are cleverly named Dying Tastefully in the Mississippi Delta; The Methodist Ladies vs. the Episcopal Ladies; Who Died? Stuffed Eggs, Etiquette, and Delta Pâté; I Was So Embarrassed I Liketa Died; Suitably Boxed: Meringue Shells, Pecan Tassies…and You, just to name a few.
I love how Metcalfe and Hays have taken a serious subject like death/funerals and put a nice, fresh twist on facing the final curtain. They even managed to sneak in several references to death like “to die for” and “dying to get in,” so you might find yourself dying of laughter reading this book. Just in case you might want to use some of the recipes, don’t worry, you won’t need to wait for someone to pass on to glory for you to try them out.
When it comes to pimiento cheese, I’m pretty sure that you will find a divided audience. People seem to either love it or hate it. I get a craving for it about once a year, so I’m surprised to find that these ladies, who refer to it as Southern Pâté, included six variations of it in their book. The recipe that stands out for me is called Beer-Cheese Pimiento. To make it and using a food processor, blend together 8 ounces grated extra sharp cheese, 8 ounces grated red rind cheese or mild American cheese, 2 cloves of fresh garlic, 1 ½ Worcestershire sauce, ½ tablespoon salt, ½ tablespoon dry mustard, ½ cup beer – not “lite,” -several splashes of Tabasco, 1 small jar (2 ounces) diced pimientos, and mayonnaise to taste. After blending, add ¼ cup pistachio nuts – or more to taste – and finish blending. This will make about one quart of PC – more than enough for lots of sandwiches or to eat with chips. Wondering what to do with the rest of that beer? Well, drink it of course and enjoy!
